This morning the trash guy came and picked up our garbage. I was lurking behind the venetian blinds watching him go from neighbor to neighbor picking up their garbage cans. As he dumped the trash into his truck I watched him looking at the garbage, monitoring it for offending items not allowed by the higher-ups at wherever he dumps said garbage. As he picked up our can, I felt judged by him and was suddenly concerned that our garbage wasn't good enough. I swear to god that I saw a flash of disapproval on his face.
Later I went to the gym and dropped the baby off at the in-house day care they have. He wouldn't stop crying so I went in after a few minutes and tried to distract him with a teddy bear that I had taken off a table of stuffed animals. A little girl came up to me and said "NO, you messed it up!" and she grabbed the bear out of my hand and put it back on the table. I apologized to her.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Feeling Shitty About a Lot of Things
Like should the "a" in a lot be capitalized, for example.
I feel like such an ass these days. Several weeks ago H-Man mentioned to me that something he can't stand about me (needless to say this made me feel AMAZING to hear) is that I will do anything to avoid making other people uncomfortable, even if that means making myself inconvenienced. My immediate and intensely reactive response was to explain that being polite was very important as I hate all people who don't think about other people's feelings.Literally, I HATE people who are inconsiderate. Just today I was shopping at a narrow aisled store, I was pushing a cart along with the baby in the basket and selecting different items to buy when I came across an aisle that left much to be considered and evaluated. Several minutes into this aisle I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a woman pushing her cart behind us . She nudged closer and closer to us. I tried,oh believe me, I tried to pointedly ignore this lady. All she had to do was whisper "excuse me" and I would have leaped out of her way. But she didn't. She kept on nudging her cart against mine until finally, I gave in and retreated momentarily as she breezed past me smiling and said "Thanks!"
Now I feel shitty. I should have held my ground and said, "Fuck you lady, take a different aisle" Well, I should not have said that but instead have insisted that she be polite and humane. But I didn't, because I let assholes walk all over me. I am proud to say that the exception to that rule is when I am encased in my steel cage called a car and I can be passive aggressive without immediate consequence. But of course those consequences are much more life threatening.
I feel like such an ass these days. Several weeks ago H-Man mentioned to me that something he can't stand about me (needless to say this made me feel AMAZING to hear) is that I will do anything to avoid making other people uncomfortable, even if that means making myself inconvenienced. My immediate and intensely reactive response was to explain that being polite was very important as I hate all people who don't think about other people's feelings.Literally, I HATE people who are inconsiderate. Just today I was shopping at a narrow aisled store, I was pushing a cart along with the baby in the basket and selecting different items to buy when I came across an aisle that left much to be considered and evaluated. Several minutes into this aisle I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a woman pushing her cart behind us . She nudged closer and closer to us. I tried,oh believe me, I tried to pointedly ignore this lady. All she had to do was whisper "excuse me" and I would have leaped out of her way. But she didn't. She kept on nudging her cart against mine until finally, I gave in and retreated momentarily as she breezed past me smiling and said "Thanks!"
Now I feel shitty. I should have held my ground and said, "Fuck you lady, take a different aisle" Well, I should not have said that but instead have insisted that she be polite and humane. But I didn't, because I let assholes walk all over me. I am proud to say that the exception to that rule is when I am encased in my steel cage called a car and I can be passive aggressive without immediate consequence. But of course those consequences are much more life threatening.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Ex-MTV
A memory:
My momma and I were driving home after watching "Edward Scissorhands" at the Redwood Shores Cinema. I was crying uncontrollably, after all it is a very emotional movie, especially for a 12 year old.
We pulled up to the train tracks that defined our neighborhood and downtown, a train was coming so we stopped. As the bars came down mom turned to me and, with tears in her eyes, said "well, Pearl Jam is on MTV Unplugged tonight so don't be too sad."
That evening I watched Eddie Vedder write pro-choice on his arm and then fall off his stool. I was entranced and in love.
Kurt Cobain's last performance on film was on MTV unplugged.
Now I see that MTV is no longer.
Now we get "16 and pregnant" and "skins"
So what can kids see on tv to expose them to music?
My momma and I were driving home after watching "Edward Scissorhands" at the Redwood Shores Cinema. I was crying uncontrollably, after all it is a very emotional movie, especially for a 12 year old.
We pulled up to the train tracks that defined our neighborhood and downtown, a train was coming so we stopped. As the bars came down mom turned to me and, with tears in her eyes, said "well, Pearl Jam is on MTV Unplugged tonight so don't be too sad."
That evening I watched Eddie Vedder write pro-choice on his arm and then fall off his stool. I was entranced and in love.
Kurt Cobain's last performance on film was on MTV unplugged.
Now I see that MTV is no longer.
Now we get "16 and pregnant" and "skins"
So what can kids see on tv to expose them to music?
Devestated
In 2004 I traveled to the city of Christchurch to visit my Momma and as kind of a "closure" trip to a very bad and confusing relationship. I walked around the city for a month by myself and drank in all the charm, grace and beauty of that wonderful city. I walked along the Avon river and visited the botanical gardens in Hagely park. I viewed the art museum and museum of natural history. I climbed the Christchurch Cathedral tower and looked across the town and thought about what my future would hold and all the possibilities of life. Most of all I thought about the exciting new man I had just met back home and how I was going to marry him someday. On my last day in town I payed my 2$ and climbed back up that tower and carved into the stone, among the names of 100's of strangers, my love for this boy. I love Christchurch. I left New Zealand with a new perspective on what I wanted and how beautiful this life could be.
Three years later I returned with my new husband and we climbed up the Cathedral tower and I showed him my carving. New Zealand and Christchurch in particular remain in our hearts as a very special place where our love for each other swelled and stretched and as a place where we want to raise our family, it is etched in our hearts just as much as our names in the cathedral are.
Two days ago my mother called me to tell me that there had been a horrible earthquake just outside Christchurch and that the Cathedral spire had fallen, many people were dead. Looking at the pictures of all the damage and devastation took my breath away. The city that I love has been utterly decimated. The spire of the Cathedral, with many dead underneath, lays in rubble on the city square. Buildings all around town are just...gone.
Everyone I know is safe but there are so many families who can't say the same. My heart and mind goes out to everyone in Christchurch and the surrounding areas. I sincerely wish all of you safety and love in this terrible terrible time.
Three years later I returned with my new husband and we climbed up the Cathedral tower and I showed him my carving. New Zealand and Christchurch in particular remain in our hearts as a very special place where our love for each other swelled and stretched and as a place where we want to raise our family, it is etched in our hearts just as much as our names in the cathedral are.
Two days ago my mother called me to tell me that there had been a horrible earthquake just outside Christchurch and that the Cathedral spire had fallen, many people were dead. Looking at the pictures of all the damage and devastation took my breath away. The city that I love has been utterly decimated. The spire of the Cathedral, with many dead underneath, lays in rubble on the city square. Buildings all around town are just...gone.
Everyone I know is safe but there are so many families who can't say the same. My heart and mind goes out to everyone in Christchurch and the surrounding areas. I sincerely wish all of you safety and love in this terrible terrible time.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A Town Named Panic/Christchurch
My mother lives in Christchurch. She's okay despite the fact that there was a major earthquake with at least 65 fatalities today.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Just Like Jimmy Stewart
So you have been diagnosed as having Vertigo.
Lucky you! It's like being car sick all the time.
Are you sitting on the couch watching the show "Friends"? Well, add to your bad feelings by having the spins- it really makes Jennifer Aniston that much less enjoyable. Now, instead of just wanting to puke when you see her, you just want to puke all the time.
Enjoy the show "Arrested Development" ? Now you can live the show and fall over randomly just like Lucille II.
A fan of Hitchcock? Now you can be just like Jimmy Stewart and be crippled by horrible dizziness and watch your girlfriend fall from a mission's roof, (that movie really should be called "Acrophobia"
Seriously, I have been having ear aches and the spins for a few weeks now. Our doctor diagnosed me as having Labyrinthitis, or Vertigo. Unfortunately you won't see any small Spanish children running around my head. Except on Thursdays.
Lucky you! It's like being car sick all the time.
Are you sitting on the couch watching the show "Friends"? Well, add to your bad feelings by having the spins- it really makes Jennifer Aniston that much less enjoyable. Now, instead of just wanting to puke when you see her, you just want to puke all the time.
Enjoy the show "Arrested Development" ? Now you can live the show and fall over randomly just like Lucille II.
A fan of Hitchcock? Now you can be just like Jimmy Stewart and be crippled by horrible dizziness and watch your girlfriend fall from a mission's roof, (that movie really should be called "Acrophobia"
Seriously, I have been having ear aches and the spins for a few weeks now. Our doctor diagnosed me as having Labyrinthitis, or Vertigo. Unfortunately you won't see any small Spanish children running around my head. Except on Thursdays.
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