Two little girls and their daddy were in the petting zoo this afternoon. Joy the pig was lounging and oinking in the sun as the girls pet her.
"Hey look, there are eyelashes on this piggy!" One of the little girl said to the other.
"That's how you can tell she's a girl" the other one said.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
In Which I Show My Stuck Up Bitchy Side
Dear Humboldt Transit Patrons,
The people who ride the county bus on a regular basis, namely me, have a bone to pick with you.
Hey, Students, you supple, nubile youngsters, freshfaced and experiencing "the real world" for the first time on your own. Figure out where you need to get off and how much fare is before you get on. I have a connection downtown I need to catch, I have no time to listen to you ask the driver a million questions about schedules and rates. The schedule and fares are online, look it up. Is it okay if you sit next to me? I don't give a shit, just sit down, and don't talk to me. I don't want to make new friends on the bus. If I made friends with people on the bus I would likely have been a character witness in several trials by now. Hey, students sitting behind me: shut the fuck up about how you were a nude model and how you are taking Norwegian Literature or some shit, no one cares, no one is impressed. Be normal, read and be quiet. Turn your headphones down, I hate your music, and when you miss your stop because you couldn't hear the bus driver, I will give you no sympathy.
Hey people who only occasionally ride the bus. So you get on the bus and there is five bikes, a wheelchair and nowhere to sit, exclaiming "Boy is the bus crowded!" or "Squeeze one more into the sardine can" is not funny. We all hate you, that includes me, the person sitting next to me and the guy standing next me whose butt is in my face. Do us all a favor and get off the bus. That will make it less crowded, and much less annoying. Don't like the fare, too expensive for your frugal ways? Too fucking bad, buy a pass. No the driver can't make change, are you the last person on earth who doesn't know that? Ah, the bus is late, guess what, there's nothing you can do about it and bitching at the driver only makes it worse. Pay the fare, shut up and sit down so we can get going.
Hey women, get off your damn phones for five minutes, I don't want to listen to the highlights of your last Gyno appointment as described to your best friend. Wear less perfume.
Hey guys, cover your damn mouth when you cough and sneeze, are you fucking kidding me? Bathe more, fart less. The bay stinks enough at low tide, we really don't need your own personal scent to add to it.
Everyone, have your fare ready, get on the bus, pay the driver, sit down. This should take less than 30 seconds, some of you have it stretched out to 2 minutes in which the bus pulls up, you notice it, you stand up, walk over to the bus, ask the driver where the bus goes, ask how much the fare is, go back to where you were waiting, get your bag/stroller/bike, walk back to the bus at a pace that would frustrate a sloth, get on the bus, put your stuff down pull out your wallet, drop your money on the ground, look for your money with the assistance of several passengers, look for the correct fare, ask other passengers if they have change for a 10 or a dime they can spare, place the fare in the box, pick your crap up, walk to the back of the bus, ask someone if you can sit with them, and then finally sit down. At this point I want to punch you. That is on a good day.
Drivers, I like you, generally. Most of you are very nice and helpful. I respect you greatly because you have to deal with for 8 hour stretches the people who drive me into a homicidal rage in a mere hour and a half. The vast majority of you are awesome, keep up the good work. There are few, however, that make riding the bus an even more unpleasant experience. So you want people to tell you they're taking their bike off the rack in front of the bus? Okay, but couldn't you, I don't know, just look down? I've ridden with one of you who has almost run passengers over because you failed to notice a person who just walked off the bus taking a large metallic object off the front of the bus. This enrages you, apparently, so you laid on your horn at them while they desperately tried to disentangle their bike and avoid being run over by you. Another one always misses my stops. I ring the bell the appropriate amount of time ahead, she doesn't stop. Go figure. I say "Oops, I wanted that stop" and she always says "oh, the zoo?". Yep, I've been getting off at this stop for the past 2 years. I still would like to. Also I would like it if I didn't have to walk to another bus stop down the block just because I won't know if she will bother to stop at my regular stop to pick me up.
Regular passengers, you are all cool, we follow the code of the bus, we are one.
Enough!
The people who ride the county bus on a regular basis, namely me, have a bone to pick with you.
Hey, Students, you supple, nubile youngsters, freshfaced and experiencing "the real world" for the first time on your own. Figure out where you need to get off and how much fare is before you get on. I have a connection downtown I need to catch, I have no time to listen to you ask the driver a million questions about schedules and rates. The schedule and fares are online, look it up. Is it okay if you sit next to me? I don't give a shit, just sit down, and don't talk to me. I don't want to make new friends on the bus. If I made friends with people on the bus I would likely have been a character witness in several trials by now. Hey, students sitting behind me: shut the fuck up about how you were a nude model and how you are taking Norwegian Literature or some shit, no one cares, no one is impressed. Be normal, read and be quiet. Turn your headphones down, I hate your music, and when you miss your stop because you couldn't hear the bus driver, I will give you no sympathy.
Hey people who only occasionally ride the bus. So you get on the bus and there is five bikes, a wheelchair and nowhere to sit, exclaiming "Boy is the bus crowded!" or "Squeeze one more into the sardine can" is not funny. We all hate you, that includes me, the person sitting next to me and the guy standing next me whose butt is in my face. Do us all a favor and get off the bus. That will make it less crowded, and much less annoying. Don't like the fare, too expensive for your frugal ways? Too fucking bad, buy a pass. No the driver can't make change, are you the last person on earth who doesn't know that? Ah, the bus is late, guess what, there's nothing you can do about it and bitching at the driver only makes it worse. Pay the fare, shut up and sit down so we can get going.
Hey women, get off your damn phones for five minutes, I don't want to listen to the highlights of your last Gyno appointment as described to your best friend. Wear less perfume.
Hey guys, cover your damn mouth when you cough and sneeze, are you fucking kidding me? Bathe more, fart less. The bay stinks enough at low tide, we really don't need your own personal scent to add to it.
Everyone, have your fare ready, get on the bus, pay the driver, sit down. This should take less than 30 seconds, some of you have it stretched out to 2 minutes in which the bus pulls up, you notice it, you stand up, walk over to the bus, ask the driver where the bus goes, ask how much the fare is, go back to where you were waiting, get your bag/stroller/bike, walk back to the bus at a pace that would frustrate a sloth, get on the bus, put your stuff down pull out your wallet, drop your money on the ground, look for your money with the assistance of several passengers, look for the correct fare, ask other passengers if they have change for a 10 or a dime they can spare, place the fare in the box, pick your crap up, walk to the back of the bus, ask someone if you can sit with them, and then finally sit down. At this point I want to punch you. That is on a good day.
Drivers, I like you, generally. Most of you are very nice and helpful. I respect you greatly because you have to deal with for 8 hour stretches the people who drive me into a homicidal rage in a mere hour and a half. The vast majority of you are awesome, keep up the good work. There are few, however, that make riding the bus an even more unpleasant experience. So you want people to tell you they're taking their bike off the rack in front of the bus? Okay, but couldn't you, I don't know, just look down? I've ridden with one of you who has almost run passengers over because you failed to notice a person who just walked off the bus taking a large metallic object off the front of the bus. This enrages you, apparently, so you laid on your horn at them while they desperately tried to disentangle their bike and avoid being run over by you. Another one always misses my stops. I ring the bell the appropriate amount of time ahead, she doesn't stop. Go figure. I say "Oops, I wanted that stop" and she always says "oh, the zoo?". Yep, I've been getting off at this stop for the past 2 years. I still would like to. Also I would like it if I didn't have to walk to another bus stop down the block just because I won't know if she will bother to stop at my regular stop to pick me up.
Regular passengers, you are all cool, we follow the code of the bus, we are one.
Enough!
Friday, August 14, 2009
A Missed Opportunity?
I was riding home on the bus Monday afternoon when, as we arrived at a stop, an elderly male passenger approached the driver from outside the bus.
" I know the secret to living forever" the old man said smiling widely.
"Hmm, that's nice, they can help you in that store over there" The bus driver replied, pointing to an automotive parts store across the street, he then closed the door and we drove away.
"what was he saying?" a passenger asked the driver
"Oh, I don't know, something about eternal life, we sure get some weird-os around here."
" I know the secret to living forever" the old man said smiling widely.
"Hmm, that's nice, they can help you in that store over there" The bus driver replied, pointing to an automotive parts store across the street, he then closed the door and we drove away.
"what was he saying?" a passenger asked the driver
"Oh, I don't know, something about eternal life, we sure get some weird-os around here."
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Bitches of Classic Film. Volume 1
Glinda the "Good' Witch from the Wizard of Oz
That's right, I went there. Whatever for does Glinda deserve the designation of bitch in my book? Let's examine her actions shall we?
When Dorothy first arrives in Oz she is in a pretty bad situation. Not only has she murdered a woman with her house, she is in a very strange, technicolor place surrounded by strange little people called Munchkins who sing to her in creepy high-pitched voices about how they're so happy that some poor old woman has just been killed. Glinda comes to Dorothy in the form of a glowing pink orb, as if Dorothy isn't freaking out enough. When the dead woman's sister comes to find out what happened, Glinda mocks her and then threatens to murder the poor woman!
Dorothy, at this point, is not only the the throws of apparently a horrible drug situation but is also frightened. She turns to Glinda for advice. Glinda, to show she is not useful for only mocking mourning family members, puts Dorothy in even more danger by telling her she must guard some apparently useless shoes from the other woman, who will do anything, including murdering Dorothy, to get them. Thanks a lot Glinda.
Dorothy, of course, just wants to go home. So does Glinda help her? Well the conversation goes a little something like this:
Dorothy: How do I get home?
Glinda: I have no idea, you'll have to go talk to the wizard
Dorothy: Who's the wizard?
Glinda: I don't know, he's just this guy, you know?
Dorothy: How do I get to him?
Glinda: Uh follow this road, the little people will help you to the end of their border (the next 15 feet)
Dorothy: What if something happens along the way like angry trees or flying primates or fields of drugs or...
Glinda: Follow the road
Dorothy: what's going to happen to me?
Glinda: follow the road!
Dorothy: I'm really scared what...
Glinda: Follow the road!
I suppose Glinda does help Dorothy a little by waking her up from her drug induced slumber in the field of poppies. I think we can see who won't be invited to any parties any time soon.
So where is this "good" witch the entire time Dorothy is attacked by trees or kidnapped by the poor dead woman's sister and tortured? Probably breaking up a party somewhere. That's where.
In the end Glinda makes a final apperance in the Emerald City to see Dorothy off on the balloon. When the plan craps out, what does Glinda do? She "helpfully" tells Dorothy she could have gone home the entire time. But no, instead Dorothy had to lose three good friends, get attacked by trees and almost killed. Thanks a heap Glinda.
Why don't you just fly up back up north in your little bubble and save everyone a lot of trouble in future.
(P.S. I just noticed, several days later, that the picture of Glinda has her spearing a flounder with her wand. I don't know what that's about, I got the picture from google image search)
That's right, I went there. Whatever for does Glinda deserve the designation of bitch in my book? Let's examine her actions shall we?
When Dorothy first arrives in Oz she is in a pretty bad situation. Not only has she murdered a woman with her house, she is in a very strange, technicolor place surrounded by strange little people called Munchkins who sing to her in creepy high-pitched voices about how they're so happy that some poor old woman has just been killed. Glinda comes to Dorothy in the form of a glowing pink orb, as if Dorothy isn't freaking out enough. When the dead woman's sister comes to find out what happened, Glinda mocks her and then threatens to murder the poor woman!
Dorothy, at this point, is not only the the throws of apparently a horrible drug situation but is also frightened. She turns to Glinda for advice. Glinda, to show she is not useful for only mocking mourning family members, puts Dorothy in even more danger by telling her she must guard some apparently useless shoes from the other woman, who will do anything, including murdering Dorothy, to get them. Thanks a lot Glinda.
Dorothy, of course, just wants to go home. So does Glinda help her? Well the conversation goes a little something like this:
Dorothy: How do I get home?
Glinda: I have no idea, you'll have to go talk to the wizard
Dorothy: Who's the wizard?
Glinda: I don't know, he's just this guy, you know?
Dorothy: How do I get to him?
Glinda: Uh follow this road, the little people will help you to the end of their border (the next 15 feet)
Dorothy: What if something happens along the way like angry trees or flying primates or fields of drugs or...
Glinda: Follow the road
Dorothy: what's going to happen to me?
Glinda: follow the road!
Dorothy: I'm really scared what...
Glinda: Follow the road!
I suppose Glinda does help Dorothy a little by waking her up from her drug induced slumber in the field of poppies. I think we can see who won't be invited to any parties any time soon.
So where is this "good" witch the entire time Dorothy is attacked by trees or kidnapped by the poor dead woman's sister and tortured? Probably breaking up a party somewhere. That's where.
In the end Glinda makes a final apperance in the Emerald City to see Dorothy off on the balloon. When the plan craps out, what does Glinda do? She "helpfully" tells Dorothy she could have gone home the entire time. But no, instead Dorothy had to lose three good friends, get attacked by trees and almost killed. Thanks a heap Glinda.
Why don't you just fly up back up north in your little bubble and save everyone a lot of trouble in future.
(P.S. I just noticed, several days later, that the picture of Glinda has her spearing a flounder with her wand. I don't know what that's about, I got the picture from google image search)
Friday, August 7, 2009
She's Leaving Town
It appears that officially H-man and I have become adults. We have a baby on the way and we bought a house. The house is not in Humboldt County, thus I will be leaving one of the greatest places in California to live.
Things to do in Humboldt before we move:
Things to do in Humboldt before we move:
- Go to Renata's Creperie and eat a savory and a sweet crepe in one sitting plus a cup of their wonderful coffee.
- Stop by Katy's Smokehouse and stock up on some canned heaven.
- Swing by Mosgo's for an Italian Soda, salad and some jazz
- Make reservations at Tomo's for some mind altering sashimi, Samraat's for their naan and Curley's for their beautiful and delicious menu.
- Go up to Redwood Beach in Orick
- Visit Fern Canyon
- Shop at Many Hands Gallery (where am I going to do my gift shopping now?)
- See Lady Bird Johnson grove one last time
- Take a ride on the Madaket again
- Bird Watch at the ox-ponds at the Marsh
- Bike down the Hammond Trail
- Buy some local products at the Arcata Co-Op
- Get a sandwhich at Hole-in-the-Wall
- Stock up at Moonrise Herbs, and get a sweatshirt
- Meet with a bunch of friends at the Samoa Cook House for dinner
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