Dear Humboldt Transit Patrons,
The people who ride the county bus on a regular basis, namely me, have a bone to pick with you.
Hey, Students, you supple, nubile youngsters, freshfaced and experiencing "the real world" for the first time on your own. Figure out where you need to get off and how much fare is before you get on. I have a connection downtown I need to catch, I have no time to listen to you ask the driver a million questions about schedules and rates. The schedule and fares are online, look it up. Is it okay if you sit next to me? I don't give a shit, just sit down, and don't talk to me. I don't want to make new friends on the bus. If I made friends with people on the bus I would likely have been a character witness in several trials by now. Hey, students sitting behind me: shut the fuck up about how you were a nude model and how you are taking Norwegian Literature or some shit, no one cares, no one is impressed. Be normal, read and be quiet. Turn your headphones down, I hate your music, and when you miss your stop because you couldn't hear the bus driver, I will give you no sympathy.
Hey people who only occasionally ride the bus. So you get on the bus and there is five bikes, a wheelchair and nowhere to sit, exclaiming "Boy is the bus crowded!" or "Squeeze one more into the sardine can" is not funny. We all hate you, that includes me, the person sitting next to me and the guy standing next me whose butt is in my face. Do us all a favor and get off the bus. That will make it less crowded, and much less annoying. Don't like the fare, too expensive for your frugal ways? Too fucking bad, buy a pass. No the driver can't make change, are you the last person on earth who doesn't know that? Ah, the bus is late, guess what, there's nothing you can do about it and bitching at the driver only makes it worse. Pay the fare, shut up and sit down so we can get going.
Hey women, get off your damn phones for five minutes, I don't want to listen to the highlights of your last Gyno appointment as described to your best friend. Wear less perfume.
Hey guys, cover your damn mouth when you cough and sneeze, are you fucking kidding me? Bathe more, fart less. The bay stinks enough at low tide, we really don't need your own personal scent to add to it.
Everyone, have your fare ready, get on the bus, pay the driver, sit down. This should take less than 30 seconds, some of you have it stretched out to 2 minutes in which the bus pulls up, you notice it, you stand up, walk over to the bus, ask the driver where the bus goes, ask how much the fare is, go back to where you were waiting, get your bag/stroller/bike, walk back to the bus at a pace that would frustrate a sloth, get on the bus, put your stuff down pull out your wallet, drop your money on the ground, look for your money with the assistance of several passengers, look for the correct fare, ask other passengers if they have change for a 10 or a dime they can spare, place the fare in the box, pick your crap up, walk to the back of the bus, ask someone if you can sit with them, and then finally sit down. At this point I want to punch you. That is on a good day.
Drivers, I like you, generally. Most of you are very nice and helpful. I respect you greatly because you have to deal with for 8 hour stretches the people who drive me into a homicidal rage in a mere hour and a half. The vast majority of you are awesome, keep up the good work. There are few, however, that make riding the bus an even more unpleasant experience. So you want people to tell you they're taking their bike off the rack in front of the bus? Okay, but couldn't you, I don't know, just look down? I've ridden with one of you who has almost run passengers over because you failed to notice a person who just walked off the bus taking a large metallic object off the front of the bus. This enrages you, apparently, so you laid on your horn at them while they desperately tried to disentangle their bike and avoid being run over by you. Another one always misses my stops. I ring the bell the appropriate amount of time ahead, she doesn't stop. Go figure. I say "Oops, I wanted that stop" and she always says "oh, the zoo?". Yep, I've been getting off at this stop for the past 2 years. I still would like to. Also I would like it if I didn't have to walk to another bus stop down the block just because I won't know if she will bother to stop at my regular stop to pick me up.
Regular passengers, you are all cool, we follow the code of the bus, we are one.
Enough!
