Marriage

This will be the happiest piece of writing you will ever read in your entire life. Prepare yourself by watching some snuff films or listening to Gary Jules  because the words I am about to type will give you the same sensation as  flying up into the upper atmosphere while at the exact same time experiencing the most mind-blowing orgasm ever felt by a human person.
  I love my husband so much that my everyday life is completely enveloped with the thought of him. He is the sexiest, most handsome, hilarious, unique person I have ever come in contact with. The moment I met him I knew that we were going to be married and have babies.  We are perfect matches.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

- Oh my god! Did you hear about that guy who picked up a 15 year old hitchhiker and then he raped her and cut off her arms back in 1978? Yeah , and when he cut off her arms her hands were still grabbing his hands and he had to pry her fingers away from his palms. Isn't that  just awful?!

-I was taking a walk today and there were like 10 vultures eating this dead cow on the side of the road, man did it ever smell!

- When  a chimp attacks  thy will go for your hands and balls. So watch out.