The Ballad of the Wife Left Alone

 Oh, husband, in the land afar, working for reputation, experience and for the requirement of your family
    Come home really effing soon, god damn it
 Seriously, it isn't worth the grief.
 Your betrothed and man-child require your presence.

If It's Saturday, Then it Must be The Rapture

 I regret nothing
well, maybe a few things

• I regret not letting that old man use the bathroom because it was closing time and I wanted to go home
• I regret telling Elana that the reason she wasn't invited to the party was because nobody liked her
• I regret cheating on my ex-fiancee, mostly because it resulted in a two year relationship with the worst boyfriend ever. 
• I regret cheating on my ex-fiancee when he was in Boot Camp
• I regret not finishing my degree and wasting my father's money

See you in hell.